No Post On Sundays

"I don't like anything here at all," said Frodo, "step or stone, breath or bone. Earth, air and water all seem accursed. But so our path is laid."

"Yes, that's so," said Sam. "And we shouldn't be here at all, if we'd known more about it before we started. But I suppose it's often that way. The brave things in the old tales and songs, Mr. Frodo: adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of a sport, as you might say. But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually--their paths were laid that way, as you put it. But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn't. And if they had, we shouldn't know, because they'd have been forgotten. We hear about those as just went on--and not all to a good end, mind you; at least not to what folk inside a story and not outside it call a good end. You know, coming home, and finding things all right, though not quite the same--like old Mr. Bilbo. But those aren't always the best tales to hear, though they may be the best tales to get landed in! I wonder what sort of a tale we've fallen into?"

The Two Towers, Tolkien





“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

—David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

OH and after I told one story about Ben and Cassie, I said "yeah well that probably sounds pretty petty since it's just the one example" and Nick goes "yeah that's what i was thinking, i was gonna let you say it" and i was like "excuse me? no i mean like-" and nick just laughed at me and got up and i looked at tim and was like "you know what i mean right? obviously i wouldn't say anything if it was just the one thing...there's been a whole bunch of this" and tim nodded and was like "yeah i know" UGHGUHUGHUHJINKDFNMANKSNLx.

UGHHHH.
I'm so flippin sick of B and I wish CF would break up with him! And not to mention, I was trying to talk to N about it and he was such an asshole! I can't stand him. I'm so angry I want to cry. At the end of it, he goes "well I don't think you should blame Cassie for this." and I was like "umm...i'm not? how could i blame her or do anything to or for her...i don't even see her."
(i should mention that when i first said that i haven't seen cassie in two weeks he was like "that's not true" and i said "ummm yes it is?" him "she's here ALL THE TIME looking for you. like twice a day.")
and he goes "you're mad at her for this it's not fair."
me "i'm not MAD at her, I'm just-"
n "ok this conversation started off because you said that you hadn't seen cassie in two weeks"
me "and i haven't!"
"and you're gonna tell me that that doesn't make you upset?"
"well of course i'm upset about it"
"see?"
"well like i'm upset but i'm not like mad at her for him like i'm-"
"you know what just forget it."
silence.
like i'm a dog that he can shut up and banish.
UGHHHHH I can't stand him. He's so selfish. I'd love to yell at him. I don't have a scrap of feelings for him.

you know. when i broke up with andrew, i didn't ask myself if I was still in love. of course i was still in love. i was completely still in love. why was i able to walk away from him if i was in love with him? i wonder if i wrote that in this diary. he hates me now. that's such a jagged feeling. i don't think that real love can ever go away. i thought i was in love with craig, and then alan, and then andrew, and then david, and then nick and now matt. i don't know how much of that is true but i know i loved andrew. and i know that i'm working on being as fearlessly in love with matt as i was with andrew.

nick hurt me so bad. that fact doesn't change, whether or not i really was in love with him. you know, everyone in this group judged rachel for hurting lou. but....lou hurt rachel. and nick hurt me. and i hurt matt. and cassie hurt alex. why is rachel the only one with stones being thrown at her?

i'm all worked up. i'm not even using capitalization or punctuation. after nick made me feel so awful, i sat still for about 15 seconds than i stood up picked up my shoes and walked out. he's nothing to me. i don't respect him anymore.

doubt he'd even care.

The idea of discovering that there are CONTINENTS that we have yet to explore. It must have been earth shattering. I can't even imagine being told that oh, by the way, the world is twice as big as we thought it was. Being a Native American. Walking to the beach one day. Looking out at the water and seeing "ships" come filled with strange people that you didn't understand, had never seen before, had not even suspected that they existed. To have these people show up and crush you. Literally decimate your livelihood. But I'm not going to talk about that. We all know about that. I want to talk about the utter shock of having people arrive in crafts you could not even fathom. People who were cultured, and technologically advanced. Centuries ahead of you.
Arriving in America. Coming from wealth. Being reduced to nothing more but the value of the land beneath your feet. If crops won't grow, you will die. To start from scratch. To go to a desert island, discover a new race of people with thousands of years of history, like you. And make it work. From nothing.
The people of this time were giants.

"This is so ridiculous. You've already let Rachel get between us before. Your friendship to her is obviously important, I don't want to ask you to infringe upon that. But what the hell!! You didn't betray her trust! You didn't tell me! Jaimy told me! And you say that you technically did betray her...since you confirmed it for me."

UGH TO BE CONTINUED

I'm really depressed. When I'm awake, I have nothing to say. I sit there quietly without any desire to contribute anything to any conversation. I can't even imagine walking out of a class and commentating on it in front of a group of more than two people. Even talking to two people is intimidating. I can't imagine that they actually care what I have to say. I walk out of a class and people are chatting away in groups of five or six about how they didn't pay attention.... I try so hard to pay attention! I use all of my efforts, because I WANT to know what the teacher is saying, I want to get something out of it and I want to learn. I never understood the concept of doing poorly in a class and bragging about it. I get really embarrassed when I don't do well in a class.
I miss my family. I miss being around people that I know love me.
I love being around Jaimy and Cassie. When they talk to me, and ask me questions, and listen to the responses that I give them, I am filled with love and compassion. I can't believe that they care that much about me. It's incredible. It really is. Jaimy is such a good friend. She's so supportive and always says the right thing, no matter how many times you need to here it. And Cassie is great too. She's sweet and caring and cautious. She's been spending sooo much time with Ben. I miss her. I'm very happy for her, but I miss her. And it's manifesting itself into jealousy, which is annoying. She always has like 900 guys to choose from. I guess that's what I get for picking such amazing best friends.
At night, I always have nightmares. For almost a week now I've been having the saddest dreams. Dreams where I just sob and cry and quake with pain all night long. It's the kind of crying that rocks your soul and makes it so that you can't even breath. It's painful. And it's so jarring to wake up from. I wonder if I cry in my dreams because I feel numb when I'm awake. It's like my subconscious is giving me tons of feelings, to make up for the fact that I have no feelings when I'm awake. It hurts though. It's physically painful.
I'm so worried about mom. I think she's been doing well the last week, but that can flip so easily.
I've been smoking alot of pot. I like doing it. It feels good. I like to smoke so much that I can't move. That's when I feel okay.
That's so fucked up.
I've been thinking of going down to Counseling Services. But I've already exhausted two of their therapists, what if it doesn't work out with John? Or with that intern? Then what will I do? Plus I suspect them of sitting around talking about me. I wonder if there's a local therapist I could see. I suppose it wouldn't be right to look into that until I've exhausted all the available, free, resources here at school. I want to ask them about their privacy policies. What can I tell them? Can I tell them how much I love weed? That I smoke it in my room? That I have a kitty cat? That I had a dream last night that the kitty died, and Lizzy was riding her bike, with the kitty in the basket, crying over it and rode her bike over the edge of a bridge? She was fine...but the kitty sunk to the bottom of the river. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Can I tell them all that?
I'm not in love with Matt. I don't feel in love with Matt. I don't feel the way that I felt with Andrew, with Nick or even with David. But he does make me happy. He's very good to me and makes me feel special and I like it. But I don't believe that I'm in love. Does that mean that I stop "seeing" him? Or maybe just that I stop sleeping with him? I really need to see a therapist. I want it to be a female though.
I also want to go see a gynecologist. I've been dissatisfied with my "performance" down there. I had that awful case of razor burn, and now I feel like I have a bump. It could just be another razor bump. Or an ingrown hair. Or a pimple. But because I'm paranoid, I assume it's genital warts. Which is silly, cause Matt would have to have genital warts for that to be true. (Or Kenan? I don't think you can get diseases from touching...) Or maybe I have herpes. Wouldn't that just be the kicker. I do have a cold sore on my lip. EW. I'm disgusting. Hmm. The bump is gone. Well. I've still been itchy. But that could just be because I'm CRAZY.
Just so we're clear, I don't have feelings for Nick anymore. I don't feel anything but a pang of regret and "lame-ness" when I look at him. And the last time I saw David, I didn't feel anything either. I really think that he needs to get his act together if I'm going to be attracted to him again. David and I have been fighting all week. He called me a bitch and he said that I half assed my attempts to be with Nick and that I'm settling.
I'm carrying around so much pain.
My mom told me that she wanted me to pray for her. Pray for courage. So that she can have the courage to end her life.
I don't want to tell Matt about this.
If I lose Matt, I lose my one person who cares about me most. It's nice to be cared about most. And let's face it, he's my most too. He's my person that I ask to drive me to my grandmother's funeral, four and a half hours away from his house. That says something.
My goodness I'd forgotten how good it feels to write everything down. I don't know why everyone doesn't do it. It literally feels like getting an IV of saline when you're drunk. Or peeing after holding it all day on a bus. Or taking that first deep hit of MJ.
I wish my arms weren't so fat. I feel really fat lately. I'm going to start eating super super healthy. I think it will make me feel better. And hopefully going to the gym. Starting tomorrow. I'm not trying to be funny, I have class all night tonight, I can't go tonight. Plus I have homework. Which I'm looking forward to. Know that! Even though I will certainly procrastinate, I will enjoy doing it, when I finally crack down. Crack.
Crack.
I can't stand Rachel. I hate that the boys have forgiven her. Oh well. That's not very Christian of me. I need to go to class now. I love talking to myself. I'm such a good listener.
<3

1. I was stunned to discover that I don't feel that way about you anymore.
2. Maybe if you stand up to the people making your life miserable by, gee idk, NOT sleeping with them? Then they will stop making your life a hell.
3. Frankly, I find you rather pathetic for settling. It's very sad.
4. You have to stop treating people like you're better than them.
5. You are NOT, in fact, the queen of your little universe. But if that makes you happy, have a blast. Just know that I am not one of your subjects.

I feel empty. I didn't know that I felt this way...but I do. I'm empty inside. I can't think about anything real. Everything real is so, awful. So I think about things that aren't real. Like tv or books or fantasies. Anything to cling to that is not crashing down about my ears right now. Seeing my best friend is a sharp reminder of how much I loved and lost. And of how much I failed, and of how much I wanted that one thing that I thought I deserved, that I thought was going to work. I thought that just this once, this incredible thing that was so reasonably within my grasp, might actually work out. But I was a fool. Yet again. And now I bear the marks of that. I have lost my faith in me. And so I focus on things that are not real. And I am empty.

Everything has gone absolutely bonkers.
The semester finished off alright enough, I collapsed on Friday morning after waking up malnourished, dehydrated, stressed, hung over, over exhausted and then started my period. I had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance lol. No good.
So now here I am, about a month later. I'm living at 53 Montana Street, in the Boardmans with Kenan, Nick Raby, Erin Good and Danielle Gismondi. Danielle and I are sharing a room until the downstairs is finished and she can move down there.
I'm finishing up the John Steinbeck class this week. I'm currently in the computer lab "writing" my final paper. I need to stop fooling around and get it done.
The most stressful part of my summer right now is that I'm not working sooo I'm not making a dime. That's a big headache. But luckily I really can't stress about it this week because I need to finish my paper for JS.
If I'm being realistic and honest, life feels like bamboo shoots under my fingernails lately, except I can't feel them. I know they're there though.
Somehow I'll find the beauty in life again. I've been managing by focusing on beauty in very little things. Reading a book, drinking a bottle of water, flossing my teeth, painting my nails red, highlighting my hair blonder, putting my toes in the grass, getting out of the shower...small physical and mental things that make me feel happy in my skin. That's how I'm doing it <3

I am almost finished!!
You would not belieeeeve how much work I have done in the last few weeks.
And ALL I have left to do is:

*8-10 page research paper for Shakespeare
*Production Plan Project for Shakespeare
*Promptbook Assignment for Shakespeare
*Native American Literature final
*Presentation of Milton paper

By Thursday, I will be finished with everything!
Ahhh it feels so good :)

So, Kenan slept over last night. I was grumping that he never called me back, and then he called me back at 3:00 AM and told me he was up at the fire pit alone. So he said that we would meet for lunch tomorrow (today) but then he showed up in my room an hour or so later and slept over. It was nice.